The five love languages that show you how to motivate and communicate with children

Written by Dana Peterson

More than 20 years ago, Dr. Gary Chapman, a clinical psychologist trained in anthropology, identified 5 languages of love that humans use to show their feelings to each other, the same languages that can be used in raising children and emotional communication with them.

You can continue to monitor the ways in which they show love to others, as well as the types of communication they look for and tend to use. In this way, parents can determine the optimal basic love languages for their children, and then find appropriate communication methods for each child.

Words of affirmation

If the love language relies on words of affirmation, your child may become distinguished in expressive language skills, and he will be greatly pleased when adults encourage him to positive behaviors through verbal praise, words of encouragement and praise.

How to communicate with them: Children love to sit down and work through private conversations interspersed with details of how they feel, so parents should speak and listen to these children with respect and compassion.

The means of motivation: words of hope, encouragement and confidence are communicated verbally or through writing, and it is also possible to speak with the child about anger and negative feelings by naming them and linking them to the accompanying actions and talking about other ways to express anger, and of course in positive situations praise is a strong catalyst to support the child’s confidence By himself and the founders of a strong relationship with parents.

Qualitative time

If your child tends to respond positively to spending quality time with you, he will usually appreciate an adult’s interest, especially his parents.

How to communicate with him: Parents are advised to set aside a fixed time to share a specific activity with the child, such as reading a story, eating a snack, watching his favorite programs, or even talking to him. With special care to avoid interrupting this activity, such as repeatedly answering phone calls or being distracted for various reasons while talking to him, which leads him to feel frustrated and lack of interest, which in turn reduces his self-confidence.

Triggering: There are special activities such as reading, art, or games that are uniquely shared between parent and child, and trips are likely to be positive long-term goals.


If your child finds value and meaning in the gifts he receives, he or she will likely value tangible physical representations of feelings.

How to communicate with them: Whenever the opportunity arises, not only on occasions, valuable gifts can be presented in the eyes of your child, such as new watercolors for a child who has an artistic passion, or a new musical instrument and games, but some of his basic needs can be presented in the form of wrapped gifts.

Motivation method: Create images and figures to represent goals or responsibilities, and motivate them to obtain concrete objects to represent behaviors such as friendship bracelet or family necklace.

Physical contact

If your child eagerly receives all the attempts at touching from a hug and a handshake, and in most expressions seeks to use touch to automatically express his feelings, then he is likely to feel love through touch.

How to communicate with them: The degree of contact that the child likes, for example, does it seem that they prefer gentle touch or deeper pressure? There should be times throughout the day to incorporate physical touch into routines such as a hug in the back and at bedtime or spontaneous kisses during homework time.

Trigger: Positive reinforcement through touch, such as kisses and hugs, and special activities that involve physical touch and movement, such as “exercise together.”

Service work

How to communicate with them: Take advantage of daily opportunities to take steps into their world and assess their current needs. For example, you can switch off the phone for a few minutes to help them find a game or prepare their favorite meal when they are starving after exercising.

Motivation method: helping them periodically and enthusiastically in any task or responsibility they were working hard on, such as helping them remember their homework or homework.

Hugging and touching

The punishment should be appropriate for each child according to his personality. The same method of punishment should not be used between the two brothers even if they are twins, and the appropriate method must be chosen for each child and his needs. The punishment is appropriate for wrong behavior because children have this strong sense of fairness.

The language of love must also be respected. For example, if your child tends to use the language of speech and praise, then it should not be used as punishment. Condemning the child with words will make him feel unlovable.

But if the language of love is the specific time, then isolation should not be used as a form of punishment, because it will also reinforce the child’s feeling that it is not desirable, and in the event that physical touch is the language of the child’s love, do not withhold embrace and do not avoid touching the child, and this language must be understood and used. In communication, not in punishment or psychological harm.

About the author

Dana Peterson

I'm Dana Peterson, a freelance writer, serial blogger, self-published author of 7 books, and speaker who enjoys enlightening others about unknown and little-known facts.

I'm a mother of two kids, but I've also been a typographer, a film composer, a piano player, a singer in an all-girl rock band. I love writing on cruise ships, or late nights, but also at home in my sunny southern California garden.

Follow me on Twitter and LinkedIn.

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